If I am repaired, can we meet again for the first time, in all of the places I have feared to go, and then, again, in all of the places I will have forgotten, if I am repaired?



Saturday, February 5, 2011

On Killing My Not-So-Very-Much Better Half

The part of my mind that is feral, that paces the cage and strikes at anyone or anything that gets too near, has outgrown my ability to control.

   Like any wild creature, it was irresistible as a pup. So I kept it.

   It grew. Its young rage was so primal then, beautiful and decisive. I loved to watch it hunt. But the hills are empty now. There’s nothing for it to feed on; to torment. So it’s turned on itself, its tortured hide, nearly bald with gnawing scars.

   I’ve put a bullet in its head. But its blood is slow to drain, its veins so very tangled with my own.

So anyway, that’s what I’ve been dicking with.

   Yesterday was good. Not that nothing went wrong. Plenty of things went wrong. I dealt with them though, the way I need to deal with all problems: with laughter and the awareness that things will not always go as planned. Dog helped.

   I've finally given in to meditation, and tried again last night—the whole, sitting-Indian-style on a grass mat thing. My left knee won’t stand for too much cross-legged, and I couldn’t bring myself to do the little forefinger to thumb deal. I don’t know the significance, so it seemed silly.

   Anyway, what I’m after is to be able to focus on one thought for any extended period of time—say, one whole minute. I figure I need to have some semblance of control over my mind's thoughts, before I can step up to focusing on nothing.

   It may be wrong, but I create a candle in my mind. Then I try to keep it lit and watch it burn for as long as I can. One light, one thought.  

   I can’t believe the crap my mind comes up with though.

   The few times I managed to get a clear picture of a candle and only a candle... a burning candle... something blows out the flame. I get matches. The matches are dilapidated. I find one that will strike. I put match to wick. It won’t light. Another match. Finally it lights. I settle in for some serious meditation, and Poof! It’s out again. Back come the matches. Round and round. If it's not that, my mind is setting out all of these crazy shaped and enormous candles that are a complete distraction. Who the heck is in there?

   Obviously it’s going to be a long road, but little by little it will come: one light, one love.

1 comment:

  1. Learning to truly focus and concenntrate on one thought is very difficult and takes a lot of time, patience, and dedication. That being said, I think you're off to a very good start.


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