If I am repaired, can we meet again for the first time, in all of the places I have feared to go, and then, again, in all of the places I will have forgotten, if I am repaired?




SC




_____________________________



Here is the desk drawer in which all of my odds and ends are kept, tidbits that would otherwise never see the light of day.











Monday, January 10, 2011

Snow

A
It’s dark yet, so I can’t say for sure how deep the snow is now; two or three inches maybe, on the ground. They say it will continue into tomorrow. I’ve seen one record snowfall in my twelve years here in Tennessee. I’d like to see another. One, I can enjoy from my porch and don’t have to drive through to get home.

     I was in second-grade when I first experienced snow. It is an experience, after all; especially the first time. We lived in Southern California then. I’d seen pictures of snow, in the Peanut’s comic books I read incessantly; seen Charlie Brown and Linus wading, waste deep through it and dimpling snow balls for the perfect pitch, seen it piled high on Snoopy’s sleeping belly. Maybe I’d been begging, but my folks had decided to take us kids—I have a younger brother and sister—up to the mountains, were we could witness snow, first hand.

     Snow wasn’t actually falling when we arrived. There were some wind-swept patches at the lower elevations—hints. I stared in awe. I wanted to get out then and there, to mold the two or three handfuls of crystalline white into tiny, pebble-eyed snowmen. But my father drove on. “That’s not snow,” he said. My parents are native Iowan’s. They know all about snow; deep snow.

     We climbed. Plowed mounds of oil stained snow began to pile up along side the winding highway, Pines bows began to bend under the white frosting and soon only the largest crags of granite could be seen under the blanketed mountainside. But it still wasn’t enough snow for my father.

     A chain was drawn across the highway, where it became impassable to native Southern Californians, who apparently lacked the snow-driving skills my father had. We parked in a cleared turnout along with the other twenty some odd vehicles, filled with families, up to see the snow.

     We didn’t have any winter clothes: galoshes and mittens and downy jackets and the like. It was Southern California. I didn’t even know they made such things. And even if I had, my father was not about to run out to the nearest sporting-goods and pay to outfit three children with the proper gear for, maybe, an hour’s worth of snow play.

     So, Mom layered us. She stuffed our hands into socks and our shoes into bread bags, which she secured with rubber bands. Prompted, no doubt, by my father, I assumed that this was how you prepared for snow.

     In hindsight, it was very resourceful of my mother. But when mixing and mingling with other children, out in the snow, who are wearing proper galoshes and mittens and downy jackets, one’s bread-bagged feet and sock covered hands quickly become the subject of jest. After five minutes of playing in my glorious and long-anticipated snow, I wanted to go home. My father wouldn’t hear of it. He hadn’t driven all that way for five minutes.

     Mother, who is prone to seeing the bigger picture, stayed with me in the van. She’d seen plenty of snow like this, when she was a kid.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

After all that cryin'...

Here it is.
Finally.
For those of you who are unaware,
this is a piano I received a month ago to convert into a computer desk...


This is the computer desk...
(Please, click to enlarge.)


I'll shut up and let you look.
















There ya have it.







Anyway...

A
Still edgy.
Don’t tell me that it’s the weather.
I know better.
My days under the sun
are hardly different than my days under ice.
A jacket perhaps.

I last longer now.
Seven, eight hours...
before the unraveling.
I should set tools aside then; at first sight.
But who does?
I press for another hour.
Until something breaks.
And then curse my curse.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Happy Waste

A
Today I’ve been wondering if the energy that fuels happiness doesn’t create some sort of waste, something toxic, something anti-happy. I’ve been wondering, too, if all this anti-happy doesn’t get stored temporarily in the body somewhere—maybe in the appendix.
Because, today I’ve felt like a big chunk of anti-happy dislodged from some organ inside of me and is poisoning me with crankiness, and that I should maybe go out in the field and yell at dirt until I pass it, like a gall stone.
I’ve been right on the edge of getting mad at something all day today, and I don’t even know what or why. It’s retarded. Toxins are my only explanation: I had a whole month of nothing but happy, happy, happy and now I need to flush the system. Bear with me, if you can. Dog is.           

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

On Meeting William James, and Other Really Bright Dudes

                                 

I’m coming around to pragmatism:
To the concept of truth as an ever-changing, evolving verb.
To what we hold as truth now, not being the same truth ten years from now.
To the idea of truth needing to be trued; worked and whittled at, until it meets the needs of a group or an individual.
To the world and its many, many truths. 
But, in truth, that could change, come tomorrow.  

Sunday, January 2, 2011

In Reply

A
She said that she misses home, and that she may be back soon.

I didn’t know how to reply then, so, I didn’t.

I still don’t. What… some twelve… sixteen hours, later?

Assuming that she even wanted me to. Like I’m the father of advice, or the only shoulder in the universe. Assuming she even wants advice or a confirming shoulder. It seemed that way, though. It was said sort of out-of-the-blue. I hadn’t asked anyway.

I’ve always thought, when someone mentioned something at random, say like, “I think I’ll shave my head,” while running their fingers through their perfect and lovely hair, that they either want you to concur, and tell them they could use a rash change in their life, or adamantly disagree, and extol their beautiful locks, because, day after day, even beautiful or seemingly perfect things can become mundane. Humans have such a difficult time reminding themselves how wonderful what they already have is. We need outside confirmation.

But I’m not sure that’s what she wants to hear right now, or even, “Oh god, I’m so sorry that didn’t work out…” “It’s probably for the best…” “Home is where the heart is…” or “At least you gave it a try…” all of that mother-hen nonsense.

Maybe it’s just that simple: She misses family and friends and pets and school and work… home. Familiar is hard to let go of. I can understand that. Maybe that’s all she was doing… saying it… getting the words out of her mouth... putting one foot on the road back.

But, I still don’t know what to tell her.

How about, “Cool.”

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Warm and Beautiful

A
Yesterday was warm and beautiful and I was out in short sleeves, working the saw-mill.

I enjoy the mill: The physical labor, the weight of the wood and the brilliant colors in a fresh-open log. She’s noisy, but I love the language of the machine: the sounds of strain against knots and twisted, wet, wood; the bogging down against the teeth of a dull blade and the perfect hiss of a fresh set. I love the calculating, the guessing, the attempts to have every cut count and waste nothing of the tree.

It’s base work mostly, even primal at times. The tools have changed little over the years: steel and wood, saw and axe, pole and muscle. Mine have worn to my hands. They feel reliable there. I know I will break under the stresses, long before they do and if cared for, they will go on feeling reliable in the hands of generations to come.

I’m sure there’s something of the conquered giant stirring there, too, in my pleasure; though I hate admitting this bit of machismo. A sawyer knows a strange mix of death and love and struggle and beauty and respect. The things, I suppose, that make life seem ‘full’.

Anyway, yesterday was warm and beautiful and I was out in short sleeves, working the saw-mill.