Dear Hillbilly Dirtbag,

     I’m heartbroken to learn that the disability check our Government was kind enough to reward your nineteen-year old ass for having an overdose-induced stroke, isn’t enough to support your continued drug use.

     However, I can’t see how burning the rubber off tires nightly is going to get you the additional cash you require. There really isn’t that much steel in a steel-belted radial. Besides, it’s probably too strenuous a job for a stroke victim. Don’t you think? Not to mention the smell and the smoke… unless of course, you’re huffing that. Is it still called huffing? 

     Never the less, if it’s quick scrap metal you’re after (I’d give you some, but lord knows you’ve stolen it all already), I suggest that you remove a sheet of steel or two from your trailer’s roof. You could tell your mother it blew off in a storm. As decrepit as that trailer is, how could she doubt it?

     Then the insurance… Oh, you probably don’t have insurance. Well, I’m sure whoever is sending your monthly check will be more than happy to replace your, ‘storm damaged’ roof. Imagine how much metal you can take to the scrap yard then! You’ll have enough money for another overdose.

     Your hopeful neighbor,

     Steven